


"I don't know"

by anttoxicated



Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 15:59:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13907427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anttoxicated/pseuds/anttoxicated
Summary: Timothee is very wise and mature for his age but I was wondering if he felt ready for a serious relationship... and that's what this is about ENJOYYY





	"I don't know"

**Author's Note:**

> Timothee is very wise and mature for his age but I was wondering if he felt ready for a serious relationship... and that's what this is about ENJOYYY

He. He was standing right by his side. He never thought Armie would ever give him a chance but there they were, together, side by side. Their elbows touching and their smiles tattooed on their faces... that felt so far away now... so far away. 

“Can we go now?” Armie whispered.   
“Just a few more minutes” Timmy said while watching the sky, they were at Timothée’s place. He had a window pretty big for that tiny apartment, and the sky looked absolutely mesmerizing from there. Armie was a bit jealous of the sky because they didn’t have much time left and the view was stealing his boyfriend. 

Armies impatience grew so he turned Timmy’s thin body to his and slammed their lips together. Timmy smiled against Armie’s mouth, enjoying the hot breaths, the licks, the smooth lips and the rough beard against him. “I’m sorry,” Timmy mumbled but he was quickly shushed by Armie, who eagerly started sliding Timmy’s shirt off his body. “I can’t... we can’t... we have to go,” he said pulling his shirt down and walking away from Armie’s hands. 

Armie groaned and threw himself on the bed. “What’s wrong with you? Did I hurt you the last time? You are already sick of me?” Armie’s words were muffled by the mattress but Timmy heard him.   
“Don’t be silly... you didn’t hurt me...“ Timmy said grabbing his keys and waiting for the tall man to stand up. 

Lately, they were not great. Timmy was being extra distant. He usually was very clingy and now he barely touched Armie spontaneously. The blonde man had sacrificed a lot to be with him, and he seemed to ignore that. Armie felt he was taken for granted and although he tried to talk to him, every time Timmy would smile say ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away. 

They hadn’t had sex in 3 weeks. Exactly 3 weeks ago Armie told him he had ended things with Elizabeth. 3 weeks ago he showed Timmy the little deal he got Liz to accept involving the children, the kids were still a part of his life and he just loved them too much to turn his back on them, Timmy took it well, so that wasn’t it. 

Armie sighed and sat slowly, Timmy was checking his phone... he wasn’t even paying attention to him? 

“Cmon babe... it’s getting late,” he said still eyes on his phone. 

“Well... you didn’t give a crap about the time while watching the sky.”

...

Later that evening they sat on a cozy table at a cafeteria. Timmy brushed his fingers against Armie’s knuckles. “I’m sorry you are mad at me... please don’t be mad at me,” Timmy whispered. Armie’s eyes softened but the words falling from the curly boy’s mouth only confused him more than he already was.   
“What’s wrong, Timmy?” and then he went silent, even his fingers stopped their movements. “Talk to me,” Armie held his hand looking for Timmy’s gaze but he never found it, instead Timmy looked around and then took his hand off of Armie’s quickly. “They are here, don’t say anything about us... if they ask we are just friends alright?” Armie’s jaw fell. What the fuck? 

Armie’s blood started boiling, after all he gave up for Timmy to be together it’s a fucking secret now? He didn’t sign up for this. It was disrespectful to his persona, to his feelings... but at the same time he was scared of losing Timmy, of losing what they had, even those short minutes Timmy let Armie kiss him, touched his skin... he was still grateful but Timmy throwing this shit in his face now, telling him between the lines that he wasn’t worthy just like his parents did, just like the last look that crossed Elizabeth’s face. Armie saw that the only reason was that Timothée was ashamed of him, the thought slid and he could feel the sting in his eyes of the crying building inside of him.

A couple walked to the table and hugged Timmy, then they turned to Armie. “Kate, Jason this is Armie... Armie, these are my best friends,” and they shook hands coldly. 

Armie tried so hard to keep it together, to mask his emotions like he always did but it was tearing him apart. He had learned with Timmy to loosen up, to be himself, but what about now? 

The conversation never involved him, and to make matters worse Timmy sat a few inches away from Armie’s body. When they finished and later on left the cafeteria Timmy breathed out, rubbing his eyes, and faced Armie. “I’m sorry,” he said and they walked back to the apartment. Armie couldn’t talk, he couldn’t breathe properly, he couldn’t function, he was so hurt and so angry, so lonely.

The second they entered the now suffocating apartment Armie started packing his few things. Timmy didn’t notice at first. But when Armie put on his travel jacket Timmy reacted. “Wha-what are you doing? Where are you going?” 

“Don’t push my buttons Timmy, not tonight, I’m gonna sleep in a hotel and when you figured it out what the fuck you want you call me, or don’t... don’t bother calling me just text me what’s going on.” 

“What are you talking about? Are you mad because I didn’t wanna tell my friends about us...” 

“Your friends? You never talked about them before... they were complete strangers and you didn’t even let me hold your fucking hand... but that’s today...it’s been 3 weeks Timmy, 3 unbearable weeks! you don’t even kiss me anymore if we kiss is because I do it first... what happened?” 

“I-I’m sorry okay...I just...” 

“What? You what? What are you so sorry about? Talk to me Timmy please I’m begging you, I want to be with you, I’m not with Elizabeth anymore... what’s stopping you?” 

“It’s all so real now I can’t deal with it, when you were with her, we were so much better, you had your life there and we shared beautiful moments but that’s what they were just moments. Having you here, moving in... it’s all too fast too real you know what I mean?” 

Every letter forming the words that rolled off of Timmy’s tongue was opening old and new wounds in Armie. The tears were slowly traveling down his cheeks, the pain he was feeling mixed with the anger was shattering him down. 

“It’s too real?” He managed to ask but he wasn’t expecting an answer.

“Yes... I don’t know if this is what I want anymore” 

“When you said you want me? That you wanted all of it? You lied?” Armie said walking around frenetically, trying to breathe, trying to contain the pain. 

“What? No... I mean.. I thought... back then...” 

“Did you ever love me?” Armie interrupted Timmy’s nervous stuttering. 

“Stop this okay? Stop it! don’t go there” 

“Just tell me the truth!” He yelled, not really meaning to sound harsh but to let out a tiny bit of the storm growing inside of him. 

“Of what? Armie-“ 

“Did you ever love me?!” He repeated. 

“I don’t know!” Timmy yelled back.

...

His hand firmly gripped his lover’s hair while his lips moved slowly. They were so rough yet so tender, Timmy loved to do that, to keep Armie’s head still as he softly kissed him. They continued kissing, sliding their tongues together, kissing the corner of the mouth, kissing the center of it, completely losing themselves, giving in to the feeling. Soft moans, soft scratches.   
The memories of the last night they spent together kept playing on repeat on the curly’s boy head. Everything was changed now. 

Timmy cried until he fell asleep, his sobbing was quiet, so quiet you could hear the pieces of a broken heart falling down. But Timmy’s heart wasn’t broken, the pieces belonged to him but it wasn’t his heart, it was Armie’s. 

He was at a nearby bar, pouring alcohol in the wound, it burned, it hurt but nothing could beat the damage of Timmy’s words. If he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship he could have said so right? Armie always gave him the space to express himself, what was different this time? Was Timmy scared of him? He couldn’t return to LA, to Elizabeth, to his old life. 

He walked alone through the streets, New York had always fascinated him until now. The New York he knew was gone along with his hopes of a new beginning, only remained the destroyed pieces of a person he knew. Timothée was everywhere, the clouded skies, the cold benches, the happy people, the music, the air, Armie had cried so much he couldn’t blink. 

He checked his phone every 10 minutes hoping there was a text saying “I'm sorry” but there wasn’t any. He was not sorry. He was not sorry. 

Timmy woke up at the lack of warmth beside him, everything was darker and colder, he looked for his phone but it wasn’t on the nightstand, it wasn’t under his pillow… where the fuck was it? He got up and started searching for the phone… he wanted to know what time was it… he wanted to text him, no, no he didn’t… or maybe he did. 

He went to the kitchen and looked at the clock on the wall, 1:34 am. The minutes passed so slowly, every second felt like a decade. Timmy went to sleep again, his thoughts were killing him. The tears fell without permission down his face. “Did you ever love me?!” “I don’t know!” why would he said something like that… why would he hurt the people he most cared about. Maybe it was too soon to say I love you, maybe he did love him but was unaware of it… maybe he didn’t love him but he cared for him, he ached if he wasn’t there. He did want Armie, all of it. But now it was too late. 

The smell of Armie slept on the pillow, on the sheets, it was on Timothee's skin, on his mind he ran to the door escaping the memories but it was useless. He walked down those streets he knew so well. He knew the avenues, he knew it all but they felt differently, almost odd, wrong to walk them alone. He looked at the empty corners and the ghost of Armie pushing him against it, kissing his neck, he shook the thought out of his mind. He saw the pavement instead squeezing his own hand, letting the tic overpower him. 

Armie turned on every street, letting his feet guide him, he was drunk but not like he would like, he still could remember Timmy’s words, Timmy’s tone… Timmy. 

He kept walking, he wanted to run but the energy in his body was consumed. He suddenly stopped in the entrance of a very dark street. There he was, walking looking at his feet, his curls defined him from where Armie was. He thought he was imagining him until Timmy looked up and found him. They both looked at each other stopping every move, every breath, every beat. 

Timmy ran to him and hugged him so hard they almost fell. “I’m sorry,” Timmy said against Armies chest.

“Don’t be,” he replied while holding him tight.

“I lov-“ Timmy started whispering.

“Don’t say it… don’t say it if you don’t mean it… it’s all right if you don’t love me back, I understand, but don’t lie to me Timmy, please.” 

Timmy took Armie’s face in between his cold hands. “I won’t lie I promise”.


End file.
